You Don't Know Me, You Don't Know Me At All

I stumbled upon something I had written on facebook about a year ago. It was a stupid survey but I filled it out anyway. So, since I have been lacking creativity, this is what I've resorted to.

25 Things.

1. Lately, I have clung onto the Red Sox for dear life. I have watched every game and I have become obsessed with the sport. It's a substitute for not having a boyfriend anymore who plays baseball every night of the week in the spring and summer. I miss watching those games and I've simply replaced them with the Sox. Plus, who doesn't love watching a baseball game on a spring night? Exactly my point.

2. I have a bucket list made but I have found it nearly impossible to get past 80 items. I have only included realistic goals, but I have let it sit for over two months, yet I have not found anything else I can add to it. Secretly, this actually depresses me.

3. Before the stock market crashed, I was set to inherit a good good chunk of money. In less than two years, my inheritance halved. Now, the trust fund is small, but includes a gristmill up in eastbumfuck Maine and a museum my hometown...which I never plan on living in again. If we used the dowry system in the US, my future husband would be fucked.

4. I am one of the most competitive people that has ever lived. Or at least everyone tells me that. It's one of the things I can't stand about myself. But, it hasn't changed and it won't change. Guess I have to embrace it.

5. I fall for someone way too quickly and I get hurt no matter the situation. But I also cannot allow myself to fully trust anyone due to the way I was treated in the past. So, no matter the relationship or person, I end up hurting myself. Go me.

6. I have an obsession with cleaning. I become stressed out when things are messy or dirty. I take out my anger and my anxiety on cleaning. My roommates love me for this.

7. I wish the economy was good enough so I could grow up and do something I love, like take pictures. But, at this point, and probably for years to come, that's unrealistic if I want to support a family.

8. I love being in relationships. I'm a great girlfriend. Not many girls would send a text in the middle of the day saying "Sex, UFC, and Pizza tonight? I'll buy!" Case. In. Point.

9. I don't care enough about myself. And it fucks me over time and time again.

10. In less than one month, I will be throwing my body out of an airplane and I cannot wait. And, a week or two after that, I'm getting myself permanently branded with ink again. My parents must hate me.

11. My absolute fantasy is to meet a strong, tall, dark, and handsome Irish man (accent included) at a dive bar in Ireland and fall in love with him. I would be willing to settle for a British man too. No French ones though, they seem like pussies.

12. I wish Jon & Kate had stayed together. I miss that show.

13. Yoga pants have become appropriate for any occasion since I started college. I never used to go out in sweatpants but now I live in them.

14. My twin cousins are two of my best friends. We have always been close but we have gotten so much closer within the last year that I consider them not only family but best friends as well. I wish they weren't graduating this year so I could experience more with them before they go out into the real world and have to work. They relate to me on too many levels.

15. I love spiked cider. I could drink it like juice. I am my father's daughter and that could be a problem.

16. Country music brings me back home no matter where I am. I listen to it when I need to remember where I came from and who I am. And when I miss my friends.

17. I'm sarcastic, I'm witty, and I'm a bitch. But it makes for a funny combination and people seem to love it. Unless they are the brunt of my jokes. In which case, I'm sorry!

18. I would adopt every single kitten and puppy from every single SPCA in the world if I could. But, realistically, I know I could really only handle two tops. And this upsets me. But it will prevent me from being a crazy cat/dog lady when I'm older.

19. I think Chelsea Handler is the funniest woman on the planet. I respect her for so many different reasons and she is my role model for so many more. Probably not the best person to look up to, but fuck it. Plus, she loves little people and vodka. How can she not be the best person in the world?

20. I'm deathly afraid of spiders. And birds. I think the world would be a better place without these two things, but I have learned in my many biology classes that, in fact, the world would fall apart without them. Damn.

21. I curse all the time. I have the mouth of a sailor. Swearing was always fine with my parents growing up. Well, at least my mom. And it's still ok. She even includes them in her conversations. Guess she didn't parent by the books, but my brother and I didn't turn out too badly.

22. I'm white. I can't dance. I can't rap. I can't wear velour. Call me racist all you want, but I'm just stating what everyone is thinking but too scared to say themselves. It usually goes that way.

23. I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm afraid of not living. I'm afraid that when I'm laying there, about to die, I will look back and regret not doing something. Hence the bucket list. But that will only work if I accomplish everything on it.

24. I hate being tired. It's happened too much lately.

And last but not least...

25. I'm way too hard on myself. I hold myself to unrealistic standards. And, when I fail at something, or someone picks someone else instead of me, it only makes my confidence plumit. But I can't blame others for my low sense of self. It's all me. And that's tough to admit.

Some Say It's A Backwards Place, Narrow Minds On A Narrow Way, But I Make It A Point To Say, That's Where I Come From

So, the year is winding down. It's so bittersweet. I have a lot to look forward to, but I can't imagine leaving here. I know I will be back, but not as often as I want to be. So much has changed in the few months I have been here. I have started to make a name for myself here and I have made the best of friends. I will miss this place.

I had two friends from home visit me this weekend. One of my very best friends and another friend that I have known for about 7 years, yet we have never been extremely close. That changed this weekend. I forgot how comfortable it is to be around someone you have known for so long. Normally, the longest I have known my friends from here is a little over a year (and he burned his bridge pretty quickly a few weeks ago...whopps). Don't get me wrong, I have made some of the best people in existence here, but there's that level of familiarity with someone from back home. There are those old memories that you cling onto for dear life when you need a little stability or feel the need for a smile. Those are the memories I've been digging for throughout the past two weeks. So much has happened, so much has been planned, that I'm finding myself stressed beyond belief, trying to keep my head above the surface. Luckily, I had made so many of those memories at home that I have found enough reason to smile over the past few days. It's kept me sane.

With that being said, I realize I miss the simplicity of that same small town that raised me into the person I am today. I miss the fact that there is not one single stop light within the borders of the town. I miss the conversations at the grocery store on Saturday mornings. I miss waking up to the lawn mower out back. I miss swimming at night. I miss going out to breakfast with the boys, only to be joined by our family members that happen to be out to breakfast as well. I miss clouds of dirt in the rearview mirror as a car full of the people I love speed down North Road with country music so loud that we can't even hear ourselves sing.

I do love Boston. This is where I know I belong and this is where I know I'll stay, for a while at least. But, I'll always be a townie at heart. I'll always hold those memories and I'll always find every excuse to think about and remember where I come from. 11 days left here. 11 more days until my last summer in the boondocks. All that I can do is make the best of it, right?

The picture attached is actually a picture of where I live. Not directly from my house, but close. The Minks. Such a beautiful view.

You Live, You Learn

Spontaniety. Something I wish I had more of. But yet, all my friends and family say I'm very spontaneous. I would like to think I am. Actually, it's more of an impulsive type of deal.

I got a tattoo on a whim and plan on doing it again. I'm jumping out of a plane for my birthday this year. I make random trips, though just by bus, to visit friends, sometimes without telling them. But, I want more of this. I want to be able to pack a backpack and go. Fly somewhere with no plans and figure it all out as I go. I want to be able to cut my hair in the most ridiculous way without giving a shit about what people think about it. But I can't. I have plans and I have to follow those plans. Or I'll be screwed.

My friends make fun of me all the time for making bad decisions. Bad decisions don't necessarily exist. Because, with everything bad that happens, with everything that you mess up, you learn from it. You learn that the person you decided to sleep with a few weeks ago is actually the asshole you thought they were, that missing those questions on the quiz meant you should have studied more, that getting beeped at and almost hit by a car while crossing Huntington Ave meant you should have taken your headphones out and looked both ways before crossing the street. You learn from everything that goes on in your life. The benefits from living reach beyond infinity. Yeah, stuff sucks sometimes. I have had days where I thought it would be a miracle if I could see the next morning without going insane. I have had days where I stayed in bed and cried until I fell back asleep. But, I'm still here. I'm still alive. And, I still manage to find happiness.

I'm not really sure where this whole thing is going. I started out talking about jumping out of an airplane and ended with talking about crying in bed. But, I warned you. This was going to be messy. Not organized. Lately, I haven't been able to sleep. I don't know if it's because I'm dreaming things that I don't want to dream, or if it's because I have too much on my mind. Nonetheless, I have been able to watching enough E! news to last me a lifetime. This was made apparent last night when I had a dream about dating Joe Jonas and I actually remember asking him about his rumored relationship with Selena Gomez. Again, I'm talking about everything and anything right now. It should be time for me to go to bed. So, I guess that's where I'm headed.

And, I just decided my next tattoo.

You Live, You Learn.

So appropriate.

Love, Save The Empty And Save Me

"Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.

So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,

And to stop the muscle that makes us confess

And we are so fragile

And our cracking bones make noise

And we are just

Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys

And you fasten my seatbelt because it is the law

In your two ton death trap I finally saw

A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret

Then you drove me to places I'll never forget

And we are so fragile

And our cracking bones make noise

And we are just

Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys

And we are so fragile

And our cracking bones make noise

And we are just

Breakable, breakable, breakable girls

Breakable, breakable, breakable girls

Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys..."

-Breakable, Ingrid Michaelson

I'm not feeling creative today. It has been a long day and I'm spent. But this song means a lot to me and it seems like I can relate to it in more than one way. I'm emotional. I'm close to my breaking point. And I need sleep.

And After All, You're My Wonderwall

I'm slacking. It's been a hell of a weird weekend. I went out Friday night and had a good time with my friends. Saturday consisted of me sleeping, walking around, and doing a whole lot of pointless stuff. Today, just about the same. I wish I could be more inspired, but my "muse" is sort of MIA. I know you're going to read this, so I'm directing this towards you.

You got me thinking a lot this weekend after the phone call on Saturday morning. About relationships. About loving yourself. About priorities. It's important to put yourself first and not that many people realize it. You can go your entire life making other people happy and you can claim you feel fulfilled. But what if making other people happy doesn't mean you're putting your needs, wants, and desires first? What if you spend your best years trying to focus on someone else other than yourself? I'm not saying be selfish and forget about others. I'm saying that in the end, the only guarantee you have is yourself. Everyone else is a maybe. Promises don't mean anything. No matter how much you are certain, there will always be the smallest sliver of doubt there. So, why not spend some time on someone you know will always be there for you? Someone that you have control over. Someone that won't waste your time in the end. Yourself. Because isn't that who we really have to live for?

I'm not going to sit here and tell you over and over again that you deserve more. I'm not going to sit here and tell you what I think you should do. Or that I think you're putting yourself in the same position over and over again. I have told you this too many times before already. You know I think you're one of the best things that has ever come into my life. As a friend, as someone I care about. But every time you think you move forward, past something, you honestly jump two steps back the next time something goes wrong with her. Which, to me, seems like it's becoming a trend. Sure, things may be great. Sure, she may be "the most beautiful girl in the world". Sure, you may want to be with her. But how often is it bad? How often do you sit there and realize you should be somewhere else? If your answer is "more than once", take a step back and think about what you're getting yourself into.

It's difficult to watch a close friend get hurt. To know that he is not happy. It's hard not to try to change everything. I want to save you. I have since day 1. But how can I catch someone that isn't willing to jump off the damn ledge? When it comes down to it, it's your decision. I will always be here for you. I've told you this before - if you're happy, then I guess I'm happy too. Because that's what a friend does. There is this concept of sacrifice that gets involved. Now, it would be pretty hypocritical to say that I'm always going to put you first. Because, like I said before, make sure you're happy before you try to help out everyone else. I'm going to watch out for myself, too. I can't let myself love too deeply. I can't let hope build up too quickly. But, I can say that I will always be there to help you weather whatever is coming your way. I will always be willing to take a little bit of that burden off your shoulders when you feel like you can't manage it by yourself. I will always be there to listen to your embarrassing high school football stories, or to read through your most recent chapter in your book. I will always be there for stability. Because as messed up as our relationship/friendship/whatever-you-want-to-call-it has been, you have been that solid rock and support system for me in my crazy, fast-paced, fucked up life. A strange, but concrete example of a real friend. You care, you show concern, you're constant. You don't understand how much I rely on having you in my life. I'm lonely without you...which is ironic since the last time I truly saw you was in August.

I just want what's best for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to find what you deserve and know that I will be there no matter your decision. I don't thank you enough for being there for me. So... thank you. For everything you have done. For being the reason for this blog.

Experience Is What You Get When You Didn't Get What You Wanted.

Somewhere in my very short and interrupted four hours of sleep last night, I had a dream that surprised me, saw someone in it who surprised me. It didn't have anything to do with the nervous or limbic system or my newly sprained wrist, despite everything that went on last night. In that dream, I was in London, sitting on the bank of a man-made pond. I was reading, completely calm. All up until someone tapped me on the shoulder. Someone I haven't seen in quite some time. Little background info: I met a guy this summer who came over from England to work under my boss for 2 weeks. I had read the fax that we received the day before he flew into Boston and my boss had completely forgotten about having him stay with her. She's older, has lived in the country her entire life, and her kids are grown and out of the house. Probably not the ideal vacation for a 20 year old Brit, right? She asked me to be nice to him and try to keep him occupied for the week. At first, I was thrilled. A two week fling with a foreign boy? Sign. Me. Up. But, as I was flipping through the tv channels at home later that night, TBS graced me with Austin Powers. My outlook changed. Would I have to spend an entire two weeks with someone who had a vocabulary that included the phrases "shagadelic" and "you make me randy"? It was going to be a long two weeks.

I had made a plan to take him to the movies with a few of my friends that evening after work. To my surprise, he was really cute. Really nice. It wasn't until he spoke that I got weak in the knees, though. What is it about accents, anyway? The first few days went well, we got to know each other, joked around, become comfortable enough to consider this relationship as "friends". We spent every single day together, with the exception of one. And, I spent a lot of time thinking about him that day. But he had a girlfriend, I wasn't going to do this to myself. But I did.

If I believed in soulmates, I would have been convinced he was mine. I had never felt like I had known someone better in such a short period of time. He had this way of making time slow down, but those two weeks went way too quickly. By the middle of the last week, even when we weren't at work or weren't with each other, we were on skype, talking well into the hours of the night. He made me forget about the past. I didn't worry about the future. I was so wrapped up in those moments that I didn't have to care. I loved it.

Eventually, he had to leave. Time is inevitable, right? He left me with not only a charm for my bracelet, but with a hell of a two weeks. Though things got confusing after he left, after he returned back to his real life, I wouldn't take back those weeks for the life of me. If anything, it taught me that time will eventually run out. It taught me to dive in and, that if you really want something, no distance, circumstance, or deadline should stop you from trying like hell to be happy.

I used to think about him a lot. Sometimes, he'll cross my mind when I hear a song, see the Boston shoreline. For the most part though, he's become a distant memory, tucked away with others. I wish more people were like him. Had the ability to dance in public and look like a fool without caring, laugh at themselves, be completely genuine. I know now that I didn't love him, I don't care about him as much as I did a few months ago . But, I did love what I got out of knowing him. I loved every minute we were together. And, his presence taught me to try my hardest to love every minute we spend apart.

Don't you know who you are? You're my shooting star.

Well, We'll All Float On, Good News Is On The Way

It's late. I promise I didn't forget about you. But, nothing profound to say today. Bombed a chem exam. It's hot out. No AC on in here yet. Took some great pictures, one of which is my favorite I have taken yet (which I also included for you). Studied bio. Suffered from heat exhaustion. Sox lost. Not that great of a day.

But it could have been worse, right? It always could be worse. I did learn how to play tennis! I really loved it, it just didn't mix well with 90 degree heat and a partially torn (never repaired) meniscus. The cutting and stopping short from chasing after the ball kills me. I told my roommate, who is testing her patience and putting up with me almost every single day to teach me, that she may have to make a trip to the hospital soon. And I'm not joking. But, without pain, you're not doing something wrong. And without doing something wrong, you're not living. So, I say give it all you've got until you can feel something. Until your body tells you to stop. Go a little further than that and then pop a tylenol. Everything will be ok after that. It just makes sense to me. If you go through a day where you don't feel anything that hurts you, physically or mentally, you're bound to face disaster. For me, when things are going wrong, which they are right now, I know they can get better. And, in that bad karma, horrible luck, and just plain shit that is close to everything in your life at that moment, you can find a little hope and cling onto it like hell until you float back to the surface. Because that's really what we're all just trying to do, right? Get our head out of the water just enough to find a little clean air to breathe?