To Our Soldier

It's a beautiful day. Minus the smell/cloud of smoke that has drifted its way down from Canada, I have no real complaints. I woke up this morning to a horrible clanking of noise, known to most as my former high school's pep band. That's one of the bad things about living in a small, picturesque New England town right on Main Street. You are, by default, included in every single holiday celebration. I didn't mind it so much though... it's a far cry from the sound of sirens outside your window every 5 minutes.

As I was hiking this morning I couldn't help but let myself think about my past. The mountain brings the memories of past loves, friends, and laughs. And, in the spirit of Memorial day, I found myself stopping at a passing thought. A good friend. A beautiful young man, both inside and out. And how on this day, instead of being out on the boat fishing and wake boarding like he used to do, he is somewhere in the middle of the desert. Fighting for me to be sitting here in my living room on my computer without caution. How on a day where often you are surrounded by family and friends, he is virtually alone, surrounded by just a handful of American men who are supposed to save his life at any given moment.

A 20 year old man somewhere in Iraq. I have been blessed with the opportunity to talk to him a few times since he has been there. With bad internet connection and a war to be fought, he has little time for facebook, skype, or even phone calls. His pictures literally bring me to tears. A picture of him, nothingness somehow surrounding him. But that nothingness is filled with loss, fear, hope. Those same feelings are overpowering when I think about him. The loss of the chance to talk to my friend whenever I want to. Fear of what he is experiencing, feeling. Hope that he will return to us soon, that the next few months will be his easiest.

So, I guess between the cookouts, the pool, the hikes, the beer, the burgers, we should all take a moment out of our day to think of those who have served for us. To pray for those still serving. And to encourage those who hope to someday serve.

Thanks, Nate. We love you and miss you, come back safe.

And as for the picture, credit goes to him. And yes, that is a bullethole.

You Scratch My Back, Should I Scratch Yours?

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to not think about yourself? Honestly, how many times in a day do you put another before yourself?

The supermarket. My arms are sore and awkward. I'm trying to somehow keep that tower of cans, bags, and boxes that I had collected in my arms from the inevitable. Falling. I was too proud to get a basket or a cart. Or maybe just too naive. Did I know I would see fresh strawberries that I knew I could make into a fruit salad for my dad for the week? Did I know that we had minimal sweets in the house and that my 16 year old brother would complain about it later? Did I really have to pile it all up? Of course I did.

13 items. To me, because strawberries and apples are both fruits, I hop in the express lane. 12 items or less. My heaping mound of groceries is now a chaotic and overwhelming pile of profit on the black belt in front of both me and the very unhappy, clearly misunderstood 15 year old cashier.

Then, a woman behind me. A pack of gum. Why go to the grocery store for a pack of gum? Why not the gas station? Some things I will never understand.

"You know, truthfully I have 13 items..." I look back at her, a smile just barely breaking through on her face, but just for courtesy. "Here, go ahead of me, I'm just a pain."

A real smile. Genuine. A small gesture to completely make a strangers day. A literal portrayal of putting others first. And what did it cost me? A minute or two of my time? Worth it? Check.

Sometimes though, it's not that cut and dry. Waiting for 45 extra seconds at the door of the post office to hold it open for the man taking his time in the parking lot doesn't exactly compare to throwing yourself over someone else while your car is spinning out of control and headed straight towards an Oak tree.

But that's the thing. Maybe it's our instinct to help those around us. Maybe we were all born with this constant need to help others, despite the motivation. It could be because our gene that carries selflessness is just a little bigger than the next persons. Or maybe it's because we long for that fulfillment, satisfaction, or even recognition that we get when we reach out and help someone. Nonetheless, good deeds are a science. Noble and helpful acts are something to be studied. And experimented with? Perhaps.

What if we took a second, went against our gut feelings. Instead of waiting for the man behind you to come through the door, you wait for him to open it for you? Ask for something, don't give it. Tell him how you're feeling, don't make him ask.

As humans, for the most part, it's safe to say we put others first. But should we try every once in a while to put ourselves first? Not stick our neck out even though we feel we should? Keep quiet when we should pipe up just because it'll benefit us a bit more? And the question...

Does the gain from helping others, putting their needs first, overpower the benefit from putting ourselves first? Just how equal are these two concepts?

It Is So Easy To See Disfunction Between You and Me

It's easy to sit here and say that we have it all figured out. That we know we are meant to be where we are. That we can't wait for tomorrow or for all these things we have planned for the future.

As an individual with the need for a calendar, I know I may sound hypocritical. But it's not about not having a calendar. It's about being able to understand and deal with the scratch marks or the eraser shavings that may accumulate over time on the 12 months that are laid out in front of you on paper.

I was bitter before. Some could argue I'm bitter now. A good friend of mine talked to me today and was clearly upset. Her "perfect" boyfriend of a year had broken up with her in the most impersonal way one could imagine. Through a text message. At this point, a post-it note would have been a better substitute. So, today, I listened to my friend tell me how stupid she felt afterwards. But isn't that always how it goes when looking back? What if we make all these plans, make a life for ourselves and then, a year down the road, the only real evidence of what could have been, what you had been planning, is a note buried in a stack of papers. A picture that pops up as a screen saver. A passing thought.

It's scary how quickly we can lose what we're holding onto. A swift wind. A sudden turn. Gravity. All these environmental influences that can make what you have built come crashing down to the floor.

I'm saying something simple. I'm saying don't sit there and say that you have it all. Because who knows... the next morning you could turn around and that beautiful vase that you filled with the most gorgeous flowers could be a heap of glass, petals, and water on the floor behind you. All that work, all that love, could be nothing someday. Lord knows it's happened to most of us in the past. We can claim that this relationship is better than the last, that it's completely different. But, if you think about it, that relationship is still 50% the same because you're responsible for half of it. And that doesn't change. So, when it all boils down, how different is this from before? How is the first different from the last?

I can look into my past objectively. Same mistakes. Same trends. Same me. Case in point.

And Everyday's The Start Of Something Beautiful

You broke me apart before.

I don't think some people understand the impact that they have on others. How one thing said, one action, can leave hurt that lasts for far longer within someone else. That's why I'm making myself a promise. Not a promise like I said I would write in here every single day... because that has been broken. A promise to know that I deserve the very best for myself. A promise to give him a chance. Someone new. Someone with so much to offer me. Someone who treats me like he's known me for years. Someone who keeps his promises, tells me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear, and knows what is best for me.

I'm promising myself that I will let go. I can't let myself get hurt by you time and time again. Priority. Not an option. Not a fallback. I have spent far too long waiting on someone and something that I truly knew deep down would not come back to me, despite my wants or his promises. This blog has been written to benefit two people. Me and you. A few others know it's around, but do they read it? Do they actually know?

I'm tired of this. Of feeling like second or third place sometimes then first the next day. Consider this a goodbye. At least for now. Until I can be happy again, forget about the could-bes, the what-ifs. It's time for me. And this blog has been a progression of me turning this stupid leaf over. It's been about learning to put myself first. It's been about protection. I don't feel so vulnerable if I can find strength in my words.

I'm done with all the things I have seen all along. Was I really as stupid as I seemed? Nope. I have known. I have met too many people like this. I have figured it out. That's one thing I've got. I've got instinct and I've got a hell of a guard... I may look past it. I may not say anything. But I know. I have known all along. Question is - have you known? Have you been beat at your own little game? Found your match? How truthful was I? A question that won't be answered. Because trust is a substitute for the answers to the questions that we're too afraid to ask, too stupid to ask.

Back home it is. Back to an old life. But this is the last time. Last four months. Maybe I'll write here again soon. Maybe I won't. It's up in the air. But, I know that it's time for change. And, that's just what I'm looking for.

Hey, you... down by the water...

It's A Brand New Day And For The First Time In Such A Long, Long Time, I Know That I'll Be Okay.

I'm in Boston for approximately two more days. 48 hours left. It's incredible to think about. Last night, as I sat there in bed not being able to sleep (a special thank you to those construction workers outside my window...hearing your conversations and the noise of your equipment IS exactly what I wanted to fall asleep to!), I got to thinking about how absolutely insane this year has been. I have learned more this year than the past four years in my life combined. So, why not share my new found wisdom?

1. When in doubt, be yourself. You will make friends, even if you are a complete basketcase.
2. Try to find time for yourself at least once a week. A 5 minute walk with a good song and no thoughts does wonders.
3. There will always be someone out there that is smarter than you are. Accept it. Or you're in for a hell of a time.
4. Don't forget the people who have been there for you in the past. Always remember that and continue to be there for them, no matter the distance.
5. Always look both ways before crossing the road, even if it's a one-way. At least while in Massachusetts.
6. People do change. Good or bad, you can't keep them the same sometimes.
7. Don't overlook the people around you. Some are worth the second glance.
8. Have an open mind. To music. To ideas. To others around you.
9. The smile on someone's face after you have paid them a compliment when they feel like they have hit bottom is the most rewarding thing.
10. Donation of time, resources, and goods is worth the trouble of carrying 13 bags of heavy cans to the local food pantry.
11. Appreciation goes extremely far.
12. Always keep at least one foot on the ground while playing tennis. The courts tend to be concrete, which hurts a little when you land on your knees.
13. Don't trust too easily. However, don't keep a wall up.
14. Having a friend that tells you the truth all the time is refreshing and eye-opening. I strongly suggest this.
15. Ramen noodles can be a delicacy when mixed with certain ingredients.
16. Hold onto your family for support. They have to love you. And they will.
17. Accept the mistakes you've made in the past and acknowledge them. Knowing that I'm not perfect and that I don't have to be perfect has taken a lot of weight off of my shoulders.
18. Dustin Pedroia is the love of my life. No contest.
19. Don't kiss and tell. You may get made fun of your choices later on.
20. Putting a paper off until the night guarantees that it will get completed. Nothing encourages motivation like a time restraint and the fear of having to pay hundreds of dollars to go through the trouble of doing it all again.
21. Some people who are on the street begging for money truly do not need it. Don't give too much. But, in consideration of those who really need it, don't give too little.
22. Prioritize. Protect those you need to first. Those you should next. And those you want to last. Unless all of those can be found together.
23. Lyrics and music can heal. Or can make you hurt that much worse.
24. Some people actually do not mean what they say. They say things for your benefit. Though, little do they know, it really doesn't benefit you at all.
25. Texting after vodka does not lead to anything constructive or positive.
26. Buying books from the bookstore leads to debt.
27. Living in a city leads to debt.
28. Always find time in each day to laugh. It will make you feel so much better.
29. Don't hold your breath for someone you know you are better than. If your friends tell you to let go, they know better than you do. Listen to them.
30. Lady Gaga will always be a hot mess and you will always sing when she comes on. Love her or hate her, it doesn't matter.
31. Call your parents as much as possible. Let them know you love them, miss them, and wish you could see them more.
32. Stealing daffodils from the Museum of Fine Arts is actually ok to do. They will grow back.
33. So much can be seen through a camera lens that cannot be picked up by the naked eye.
34. The most romantic thing in the world is to watch the sunset over the city while having a conversation without having to tip-toe around your words.
35. Technology can be obnoxious.
36. Some people are truly kind. Don't question their motives.

37. Always reread what you write. You may skip #37 and realize that although you are in medical school, you cannot count to 40.
38. Ask people what their story is. You will understand them so much more afterwards.
39. When you see someone that needs help, reach out, even if it takes time out of your day. Even if you don't want to. Take time to ask them if they need anything. They may say no. They may say yes. Either way, just asking will make a world of a difference. And they will repay you someday when you need it most.
40. There is still so much to learn in this world. Realize you don't know everything. You may feel like you are wiser than others. Or that you have experienced more than others have. But, it's not the experience. It's what you take out of it all and it's what you learn from it. And some people need to learn different things to feel accomplished. Putting yourself on a pedestal will get you no where.

You Don't Know Me, You Don't Know Me At All

I stumbled upon something I had written on facebook about a year ago. It was a stupid survey but I filled it out anyway. So, since I have been lacking creativity, this is what I've resorted to.

25 Things.

1. Lately, I have clung onto the Red Sox for dear life. I have watched every game and I have become obsessed with the sport. It's a substitute for not having a boyfriend anymore who plays baseball every night of the week in the spring and summer. I miss watching those games and I've simply replaced them with the Sox. Plus, who doesn't love watching a baseball game on a spring night? Exactly my point.

2. I have a bucket list made but I have found it nearly impossible to get past 80 items. I have only included realistic goals, but I have let it sit for over two months, yet I have not found anything else I can add to it. Secretly, this actually depresses me.

3. Before the stock market crashed, I was set to inherit a good good chunk of money. In less than two years, my inheritance halved. Now, the trust fund is small, but includes a gristmill up in eastbumfuck Maine and a museum my hometown...which I never plan on living in again. If we used the dowry system in the US, my future husband would be fucked.

4. I am one of the most competitive people that has ever lived. Or at least everyone tells me that. It's one of the things I can't stand about myself. But, it hasn't changed and it won't change. Guess I have to embrace it.

5. I fall for someone way too quickly and I get hurt no matter the situation. But I also cannot allow myself to fully trust anyone due to the way I was treated in the past. So, no matter the relationship or person, I end up hurting myself. Go me.

6. I have an obsession with cleaning. I become stressed out when things are messy or dirty. I take out my anger and my anxiety on cleaning. My roommates love me for this.

7. I wish the economy was good enough so I could grow up and do something I love, like take pictures. But, at this point, and probably for years to come, that's unrealistic if I want to support a family.

8. I love being in relationships. I'm a great girlfriend. Not many girls would send a text in the middle of the day saying "Sex, UFC, and Pizza tonight? I'll buy!" Case. In. Point.

9. I don't care enough about myself. And it fucks me over time and time again.

10. In less than one month, I will be throwing my body out of an airplane and I cannot wait. And, a week or two after that, I'm getting myself permanently branded with ink again. My parents must hate me.

11. My absolute fantasy is to meet a strong, tall, dark, and handsome Irish man (accent included) at a dive bar in Ireland and fall in love with him. I would be willing to settle for a British man too. No French ones though, they seem like pussies.

12. I wish Jon & Kate had stayed together. I miss that show.

13. Yoga pants have become appropriate for any occasion since I started college. I never used to go out in sweatpants but now I live in them.

14. My twin cousins are two of my best friends. We have always been close but we have gotten so much closer within the last year that I consider them not only family but best friends as well. I wish they weren't graduating this year so I could experience more with them before they go out into the real world and have to work. They relate to me on too many levels.

15. I love spiked cider. I could drink it like juice. I am my father's daughter and that could be a problem.

16. Country music brings me back home no matter where I am. I listen to it when I need to remember where I came from and who I am. And when I miss my friends.

17. I'm sarcastic, I'm witty, and I'm a bitch. But it makes for a funny combination and people seem to love it. Unless they are the brunt of my jokes. In which case, I'm sorry!

18. I would adopt every single kitten and puppy from every single SPCA in the world if I could. But, realistically, I know I could really only handle two tops. And this upsets me. But it will prevent me from being a crazy cat/dog lady when I'm older.

19. I think Chelsea Handler is the funniest woman on the planet. I respect her for so many different reasons and she is my role model for so many more. Probably not the best person to look up to, but fuck it. Plus, she loves little people and vodka. How can she not be the best person in the world?

20. I'm deathly afraid of spiders. And birds. I think the world would be a better place without these two things, but I have learned in my many biology classes that, in fact, the world would fall apart without them. Damn.

21. I curse all the time. I have the mouth of a sailor. Swearing was always fine with my parents growing up. Well, at least my mom. And it's still ok. She even includes them in her conversations. Guess she didn't parent by the books, but my brother and I didn't turn out too badly.

22. I'm white. I can't dance. I can't rap. I can't wear velour. Call me racist all you want, but I'm just stating what everyone is thinking but too scared to say themselves. It usually goes that way.

23. I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm afraid of not living. I'm afraid that when I'm laying there, about to die, I will look back and regret not doing something. Hence the bucket list. But that will only work if I accomplish everything on it.

24. I hate being tired. It's happened too much lately.

And last but not least...

25. I'm way too hard on myself. I hold myself to unrealistic standards. And, when I fail at something, or someone picks someone else instead of me, it only makes my confidence plumit. But I can't blame others for my low sense of self. It's all me. And that's tough to admit.

Some Say It's A Backwards Place, Narrow Minds On A Narrow Way, But I Make It A Point To Say, That's Where I Come From

So, the year is winding down. It's so bittersweet. I have a lot to look forward to, but I can't imagine leaving here. I know I will be back, but not as often as I want to be. So much has changed in the few months I have been here. I have started to make a name for myself here and I have made the best of friends. I will miss this place.

I had two friends from home visit me this weekend. One of my very best friends and another friend that I have known for about 7 years, yet we have never been extremely close. That changed this weekend. I forgot how comfortable it is to be around someone you have known for so long. Normally, the longest I have known my friends from here is a little over a year (and he burned his bridge pretty quickly a few weeks ago...whopps). Don't get me wrong, I have made some of the best people in existence here, but there's that level of familiarity with someone from back home. There are those old memories that you cling onto for dear life when you need a little stability or feel the need for a smile. Those are the memories I've been digging for throughout the past two weeks. So much has happened, so much has been planned, that I'm finding myself stressed beyond belief, trying to keep my head above the surface. Luckily, I had made so many of those memories at home that I have found enough reason to smile over the past few days. It's kept me sane.

With that being said, I realize I miss the simplicity of that same small town that raised me into the person I am today. I miss the fact that there is not one single stop light within the borders of the town. I miss the conversations at the grocery store on Saturday mornings. I miss waking up to the lawn mower out back. I miss swimming at night. I miss going out to breakfast with the boys, only to be joined by our family members that happen to be out to breakfast as well. I miss clouds of dirt in the rearview mirror as a car full of the people I love speed down North Road with country music so loud that we can't even hear ourselves sing.

I do love Boston. This is where I know I belong and this is where I know I'll stay, for a while at least. But, I'll always be a townie at heart. I'll always hold those memories and I'll always find every excuse to think about and remember where I come from. 11 days left here. 11 more days until my last summer in the boondocks. All that I can do is make the best of it, right?

The picture attached is actually a picture of where I live. Not directly from my house, but close. The Minks. Such a beautiful view.