And Everyday's The Start Of Something Beautiful

You broke me apart before.

I don't think some people understand the impact that they have on others. How one thing said, one action, can leave hurt that lasts for far longer within someone else. That's why I'm making myself a promise. Not a promise like I said I would write in here every single day... because that has been broken. A promise to know that I deserve the very best for myself. A promise to give him a chance. Someone new. Someone with so much to offer me. Someone who treats me like he's known me for years. Someone who keeps his promises, tells me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear, and knows what is best for me.

I'm promising myself that I will let go. I can't let myself get hurt by you time and time again. Priority. Not an option. Not a fallback. I have spent far too long waiting on someone and something that I truly knew deep down would not come back to me, despite my wants or his promises. This blog has been written to benefit two people. Me and you. A few others know it's around, but do they read it? Do they actually know?

I'm tired of this. Of feeling like second or third place sometimes then first the next day. Consider this a goodbye. At least for now. Until I can be happy again, forget about the could-bes, the what-ifs. It's time for me. And this blog has been a progression of me turning this stupid leaf over. It's been about learning to put myself first. It's been about protection. I don't feel so vulnerable if I can find strength in my words.

I'm done with all the things I have seen all along. Was I really as stupid as I seemed? Nope. I have known. I have met too many people like this. I have figured it out. That's one thing I've got. I've got instinct and I've got a hell of a guard... I may look past it. I may not say anything. But I know. I have known all along. Question is - have you known? Have you been beat at your own little game? Found your match? How truthful was I? A question that won't be answered. Because trust is a substitute for the answers to the questions that we're too afraid to ask, too stupid to ask.

Back home it is. Back to an old life. But this is the last time. Last four months. Maybe I'll write here again soon. Maybe I won't. It's up in the air. But, I know that it's time for change. And, that's just what I'm looking for.

Hey, you... down by the water...

It's A Brand New Day And For The First Time In Such A Long, Long Time, I Know That I'll Be Okay.

I'm in Boston for approximately two more days. 48 hours left. It's incredible to think about. Last night, as I sat there in bed not being able to sleep (a special thank you to those construction workers outside my window...hearing your conversations and the noise of your equipment IS exactly what I wanted to fall asleep to!), I got to thinking about how absolutely insane this year has been. I have learned more this year than the past four years in my life combined. So, why not share my new found wisdom?

1. When in doubt, be yourself. You will make friends, even if you are a complete basketcase.
2. Try to find time for yourself at least once a week. A 5 minute walk with a good song and no thoughts does wonders.
3. There will always be someone out there that is smarter than you are. Accept it. Or you're in for a hell of a time.
4. Don't forget the people who have been there for you in the past. Always remember that and continue to be there for them, no matter the distance.
5. Always look both ways before crossing the road, even if it's a one-way. At least while in Massachusetts.
6. People do change. Good or bad, you can't keep them the same sometimes.
7. Don't overlook the people around you. Some are worth the second glance.
8. Have an open mind. To music. To ideas. To others around you.
9. The smile on someone's face after you have paid them a compliment when they feel like they have hit bottom is the most rewarding thing.
10. Donation of time, resources, and goods is worth the trouble of carrying 13 bags of heavy cans to the local food pantry.
11. Appreciation goes extremely far.
12. Always keep at least one foot on the ground while playing tennis. The courts tend to be concrete, which hurts a little when you land on your knees.
13. Don't trust too easily. However, don't keep a wall up.
14. Having a friend that tells you the truth all the time is refreshing and eye-opening. I strongly suggest this.
15. Ramen noodles can be a delicacy when mixed with certain ingredients.
16. Hold onto your family for support. They have to love you. And they will.
17. Accept the mistakes you've made in the past and acknowledge them. Knowing that I'm not perfect and that I don't have to be perfect has taken a lot of weight off of my shoulders.
18. Dustin Pedroia is the love of my life. No contest.
19. Don't kiss and tell. You may get made fun of your choices later on.
20. Putting a paper off until the night guarantees that it will get completed. Nothing encourages motivation like a time restraint and the fear of having to pay hundreds of dollars to go through the trouble of doing it all again.
21. Some people who are on the street begging for money truly do not need it. Don't give too much. But, in consideration of those who really need it, don't give too little.
22. Prioritize. Protect those you need to first. Those you should next. And those you want to last. Unless all of those can be found together.
23. Lyrics and music can heal. Or can make you hurt that much worse.
24. Some people actually do not mean what they say. They say things for your benefit. Though, little do they know, it really doesn't benefit you at all.
25. Texting after vodka does not lead to anything constructive or positive.
26. Buying books from the bookstore leads to debt.
27. Living in a city leads to debt.
28. Always find time in each day to laugh. It will make you feel so much better.
29. Don't hold your breath for someone you know you are better than. If your friends tell you to let go, they know better than you do. Listen to them.
30. Lady Gaga will always be a hot mess and you will always sing when she comes on. Love her or hate her, it doesn't matter.
31. Call your parents as much as possible. Let them know you love them, miss them, and wish you could see them more.
32. Stealing daffodils from the Museum of Fine Arts is actually ok to do. They will grow back.
33. So much can be seen through a camera lens that cannot be picked up by the naked eye.
34. The most romantic thing in the world is to watch the sunset over the city while having a conversation without having to tip-toe around your words.
35. Technology can be obnoxious.
36. Some people are truly kind. Don't question their motives.

37. Always reread what you write. You may skip #37 and realize that although you are in medical school, you cannot count to 40.
38. Ask people what their story is. You will understand them so much more afterwards.
39. When you see someone that needs help, reach out, even if it takes time out of your day. Even if you don't want to. Take time to ask them if they need anything. They may say no. They may say yes. Either way, just asking will make a world of a difference. And they will repay you someday when you need it most.
40. There is still so much to learn in this world. Realize you don't know everything. You may feel like you are wiser than others. Or that you have experienced more than others have. But, it's not the experience. It's what you take out of it all and it's what you learn from it. And some people need to learn different things to feel accomplished. Putting yourself on a pedestal will get you no where.

You Don't Know Me, You Don't Know Me At All

I stumbled upon something I had written on facebook about a year ago. It was a stupid survey but I filled it out anyway. So, since I have been lacking creativity, this is what I've resorted to.

25 Things.

1. Lately, I have clung onto the Red Sox for dear life. I have watched every game and I have become obsessed with the sport. It's a substitute for not having a boyfriend anymore who plays baseball every night of the week in the spring and summer. I miss watching those games and I've simply replaced them with the Sox. Plus, who doesn't love watching a baseball game on a spring night? Exactly my point.

2. I have a bucket list made but I have found it nearly impossible to get past 80 items. I have only included realistic goals, but I have let it sit for over two months, yet I have not found anything else I can add to it. Secretly, this actually depresses me.

3. Before the stock market crashed, I was set to inherit a good good chunk of money. In less than two years, my inheritance halved. Now, the trust fund is small, but includes a gristmill up in eastbumfuck Maine and a museum my hometown...which I never plan on living in again. If we used the dowry system in the US, my future husband would be fucked.

4. I am one of the most competitive people that has ever lived. Or at least everyone tells me that. It's one of the things I can't stand about myself. But, it hasn't changed and it won't change. Guess I have to embrace it.

5. I fall for someone way too quickly and I get hurt no matter the situation. But I also cannot allow myself to fully trust anyone due to the way I was treated in the past. So, no matter the relationship or person, I end up hurting myself. Go me.

6. I have an obsession with cleaning. I become stressed out when things are messy or dirty. I take out my anger and my anxiety on cleaning. My roommates love me for this.

7. I wish the economy was good enough so I could grow up and do something I love, like take pictures. But, at this point, and probably for years to come, that's unrealistic if I want to support a family.

8. I love being in relationships. I'm a great girlfriend. Not many girls would send a text in the middle of the day saying "Sex, UFC, and Pizza tonight? I'll buy!" Case. In. Point.

9. I don't care enough about myself. And it fucks me over time and time again.

10. In less than one month, I will be throwing my body out of an airplane and I cannot wait. And, a week or two after that, I'm getting myself permanently branded with ink again. My parents must hate me.

11. My absolute fantasy is to meet a strong, tall, dark, and handsome Irish man (accent included) at a dive bar in Ireland and fall in love with him. I would be willing to settle for a British man too. No French ones though, they seem like pussies.

12. I wish Jon & Kate had stayed together. I miss that show.

13. Yoga pants have become appropriate for any occasion since I started college. I never used to go out in sweatpants but now I live in them.

14. My twin cousins are two of my best friends. We have always been close but we have gotten so much closer within the last year that I consider them not only family but best friends as well. I wish they weren't graduating this year so I could experience more with them before they go out into the real world and have to work. They relate to me on too many levels.

15. I love spiked cider. I could drink it like juice. I am my father's daughter and that could be a problem.

16. Country music brings me back home no matter where I am. I listen to it when I need to remember where I came from and who I am. And when I miss my friends.

17. I'm sarcastic, I'm witty, and I'm a bitch. But it makes for a funny combination and people seem to love it. Unless they are the brunt of my jokes. In which case, I'm sorry!

18. I would adopt every single kitten and puppy from every single SPCA in the world if I could. But, realistically, I know I could really only handle two tops. And this upsets me. But it will prevent me from being a crazy cat/dog lady when I'm older.

19. I think Chelsea Handler is the funniest woman on the planet. I respect her for so many different reasons and she is my role model for so many more. Probably not the best person to look up to, but fuck it. Plus, she loves little people and vodka. How can she not be the best person in the world?

20. I'm deathly afraid of spiders. And birds. I think the world would be a better place without these two things, but I have learned in my many biology classes that, in fact, the world would fall apart without them. Damn.

21. I curse all the time. I have the mouth of a sailor. Swearing was always fine with my parents growing up. Well, at least my mom. And it's still ok. She even includes them in her conversations. Guess she didn't parent by the books, but my brother and I didn't turn out too badly.

22. I'm white. I can't dance. I can't rap. I can't wear velour. Call me racist all you want, but I'm just stating what everyone is thinking but too scared to say themselves. It usually goes that way.

23. I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm afraid of not living. I'm afraid that when I'm laying there, about to die, I will look back and regret not doing something. Hence the bucket list. But that will only work if I accomplish everything on it.

24. I hate being tired. It's happened too much lately.

And last but not least...

25. I'm way too hard on myself. I hold myself to unrealistic standards. And, when I fail at something, or someone picks someone else instead of me, it only makes my confidence plumit. But I can't blame others for my low sense of self. It's all me. And that's tough to admit.

Some Say It's A Backwards Place, Narrow Minds On A Narrow Way, But I Make It A Point To Say, That's Where I Come From

So, the year is winding down. It's so bittersweet. I have a lot to look forward to, but I can't imagine leaving here. I know I will be back, but not as often as I want to be. So much has changed in the few months I have been here. I have started to make a name for myself here and I have made the best of friends. I will miss this place.

I had two friends from home visit me this weekend. One of my very best friends and another friend that I have known for about 7 years, yet we have never been extremely close. That changed this weekend. I forgot how comfortable it is to be around someone you have known for so long. Normally, the longest I have known my friends from here is a little over a year (and he burned his bridge pretty quickly a few weeks ago...whopps). Don't get me wrong, I have made some of the best people in existence here, but there's that level of familiarity with someone from back home. There are those old memories that you cling onto for dear life when you need a little stability or feel the need for a smile. Those are the memories I've been digging for throughout the past two weeks. So much has happened, so much has been planned, that I'm finding myself stressed beyond belief, trying to keep my head above the surface. Luckily, I had made so many of those memories at home that I have found enough reason to smile over the past few days. It's kept me sane.

With that being said, I realize I miss the simplicity of that same small town that raised me into the person I am today. I miss the fact that there is not one single stop light within the borders of the town. I miss the conversations at the grocery store on Saturday mornings. I miss waking up to the lawn mower out back. I miss swimming at night. I miss going out to breakfast with the boys, only to be joined by our family members that happen to be out to breakfast as well. I miss clouds of dirt in the rearview mirror as a car full of the people I love speed down North Road with country music so loud that we can't even hear ourselves sing.

I do love Boston. This is where I know I belong and this is where I know I'll stay, for a while at least. But, I'll always be a townie at heart. I'll always hold those memories and I'll always find every excuse to think about and remember where I come from. 11 days left here. 11 more days until my last summer in the boondocks. All that I can do is make the best of it, right?

The picture attached is actually a picture of where I live. Not directly from my house, but close. The Minks. Such a beautiful view.

You Live, You Learn

Spontaniety. Something I wish I had more of. But yet, all my friends and family say I'm very spontaneous. I would like to think I am. Actually, it's more of an impulsive type of deal.

I got a tattoo on a whim and plan on doing it again. I'm jumping out of a plane for my birthday this year. I make random trips, though just by bus, to visit friends, sometimes without telling them. But, I want more of this. I want to be able to pack a backpack and go. Fly somewhere with no plans and figure it all out as I go. I want to be able to cut my hair in the most ridiculous way without giving a shit about what people think about it. But I can't. I have plans and I have to follow those plans. Or I'll be screwed.

My friends make fun of me all the time for making bad decisions. Bad decisions don't necessarily exist. Because, with everything bad that happens, with everything that you mess up, you learn from it. You learn that the person you decided to sleep with a few weeks ago is actually the asshole you thought they were, that missing those questions on the quiz meant you should have studied more, that getting beeped at and almost hit by a car while crossing Huntington Ave meant you should have taken your headphones out and looked both ways before crossing the street. You learn from everything that goes on in your life. The benefits from living reach beyond infinity. Yeah, stuff sucks sometimes. I have had days where I thought it would be a miracle if I could see the next morning without going insane. I have had days where I stayed in bed and cried until I fell back asleep. But, I'm still here. I'm still alive. And, I still manage to find happiness.

I'm not really sure where this whole thing is going. I started out talking about jumping out of an airplane and ended with talking about crying in bed. But, I warned you. This was going to be messy. Not organized. Lately, I haven't been able to sleep. I don't know if it's because I'm dreaming things that I don't want to dream, or if it's because I have too much on my mind. Nonetheless, I have been able to watching enough E! news to last me a lifetime. This was made apparent last night when I had a dream about dating Joe Jonas and I actually remember asking him about his rumored relationship with Selena Gomez. Again, I'm talking about everything and anything right now. It should be time for me to go to bed. So, I guess that's where I'm headed.

And, I just decided my next tattoo.

You Live, You Learn.

So appropriate.

Love, Save The Empty And Save Me

"Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.

So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,

And to stop the muscle that makes us confess

And we are so fragile

And our cracking bones make noise

And we are just

Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys

And you fasten my seatbelt because it is the law

In your two ton death trap I finally saw

A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret

Then you drove me to places I'll never forget

And we are so fragile

And our cracking bones make noise

And we are just

Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys

And we are so fragile

And our cracking bones make noise

And we are just

Breakable, breakable, breakable girls

Breakable, breakable, breakable girls

Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys..."

-Breakable, Ingrid Michaelson

I'm not feeling creative today. It has been a long day and I'm spent. But this song means a lot to me and it seems like I can relate to it in more than one way. I'm emotional. I'm close to my breaking point. And I need sleep.

And After All, You're My Wonderwall

I'm slacking. It's been a hell of a weird weekend. I went out Friday night and had a good time with my friends. Saturday consisted of me sleeping, walking around, and doing a whole lot of pointless stuff. Today, just about the same. I wish I could be more inspired, but my "muse" is sort of MIA. I know you're going to read this, so I'm directing this towards you.

You got me thinking a lot this weekend after the phone call on Saturday morning. About relationships. About loving yourself. About priorities. It's important to put yourself first and not that many people realize it. You can go your entire life making other people happy and you can claim you feel fulfilled. But what if making other people happy doesn't mean you're putting your needs, wants, and desires first? What if you spend your best years trying to focus on someone else other than yourself? I'm not saying be selfish and forget about others. I'm saying that in the end, the only guarantee you have is yourself. Everyone else is a maybe. Promises don't mean anything. No matter how much you are certain, there will always be the smallest sliver of doubt there. So, why not spend some time on someone you know will always be there for you? Someone that you have control over. Someone that won't waste your time in the end. Yourself. Because isn't that who we really have to live for?

I'm not going to sit here and tell you over and over again that you deserve more. I'm not going to sit here and tell you what I think you should do. Or that I think you're putting yourself in the same position over and over again. I have told you this too many times before already. You know I think you're one of the best things that has ever come into my life. As a friend, as someone I care about. But every time you think you move forward, past something, you honestly jump two steps back the next time something goes wrong with her. Which, to me, seems like it's becoming a trend. Sure, things may be great. Sure, she may be "the most beautiful girl in the world". Sure, you may want to be with her. But how often is it bad? How often do you sit there and realize you should be somewhere else? If your answer is "more than once", take a step back and think about what you're getting yourself into.

It's difficult to watch a close friend get hurt. To know that he is not happy. It's hard not to try to change everything. I want to save you. I have since day 1. But how can I catch someone that isn't willing to jump off the damn ledge? When it comes down to it, it's your decision. I will always be here for you. I've told you this before - if you're happy, then I guess I'm happy too. Because that's what a friend does. There is this concept of sacrifice that gets involved. Now, it would be pretty hypocritical to say that I'm always going to put you first. Because, like I said before, make sure you're happy before you try to help out everyone else. I'm going to watch out for myself, too. I can't let myself love too deeply. I can't let hope build up too quickly. But, I can say that I will always be there to help you weather whatever is coming your way. I will always be willing to take a little bit of that burden off your shoulders when you feel like you can't manage it by yourself. I will always be there to listen to your embarrassing high school football stories, or to read through your most recent chapter in your book. I will always be there for stability. Because as messed up as our relationship/friendship/whatever-you-want-to-call-it has been, you have been that solid rock and support system for me in my crazy, fast-paced, fucked up life. A strange, but concrete example of a real friend. You care, you show concern, you're constant. You don't understand how much I rely on having you in my life. I'm lonely without you...which is ironic since the last time I truly saw you was in August.

I just want what's best for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to find what you deserve and know that I will be there no matter your decision. I don't thank you enough for being there for me. So... thank you. For everything you have done. For being the reason for this blog.

Experience Is What You Get When You Didn't Get What You Wanted.

Somewhere in my very short and interrupted four hours of sleep last night, I had a dream that surprised me, saw someone in it who surprised me. It didn't have anything to do with the nervous or limbic system or my newly sprained wrist, despite everything that went on last night. In that dream, I was in London, sitting on the bank of a man-made pond. I was reading, completely calm. All up until someone tapped me on the shoulder. Someone I haven't seen in quite some time. Little background info: I met a guy this summer who came over from England to work under my boss for 2 weeks. I had read the fax that we received the day before he flew into Boston and my boss had completely forgotten about having him stay with her. She's older, has lived in the country her entire life, and her kids are grown and out of the house. Probably not the ideal vacation for a 20 year old Brit, right? She asked me to be nice to him and try to keep him occupied for the week. At first, I was thrilled. A two week fling with a foreign boy? Sign. Me. Up. But, as I was flipping through the tv channels at home later that night, TBS graced me with Austin Powers. My outlook changed. Would I have to spend an entire two weeks with someone who had a vocabulary that included the phrases "shagadelic" and "you make me randy"? It was going to be a long two weeks.

I had made a plan to take him to the movies with a few of my friends that evening after work. To my surprise, he was really cute. Really nice. It wasn't until he spoke that I got weak in the knees, though. What is it about accents, anyway? The first few days went well, we got to know each other, joked around, become comfortable enough to consider this relationship as "friends". We spent every single day together, with the exception of one. And, I spent a lot of time thinking about him that day. But he had a girlfriend, I wasn't going to do this to myself. But I did.

If I believed in soulmates, I would have been convinced he was mine. I had never felt like I had known someone better in such a short period of time. He had this way of making time slow down, but those two weeks went way too quickly. By the middle of the last week, even when we weren't at work or weren't with each other, we were on skype, talking well into the hours of the night. He made me forget about the past. I didn't worry about the future. I was so wrapped up in those moments that I didn't have to care. I loved it.

Eventually, he had to leave. Time is inevitable, right? He left me with not only a charm for my bracelet, but with a hell of a two weeks. Though things got confusing after he left, after he returned back to his real life, I wouldn't take back those weeks for the life of me. If anything, it taught me that time will eventually run out. It taught me to dive in and, that if you really want something, no distance, circumstance, or deadline should stop you from trying like hell to be happy.

I used to think about him a lot. Sometimes, he'll cross my mind when I hear a song, see the Boston shoreline. For the most part though, he's become a distant memory, tucked away with others. I wish more people were like him. Had the ability to dance in public and look like a fool without caring, laugh at themselves, be completely genuine. I know now that I didn't love him, I don't care about him as much as I did a few months ago . But, I did love what I got out of knowing him. I loved every minute we were together. And, his presence taught me to try my hardest to love every minute we spend apart.

Don't you know who you are? You're my shooting star.

Well, We'll All Float On, Good News Is On The Way

It's late. I promise I didn't forget about you. But, nothing profound to say today. Bombed a chem exam. It's hot out. No AC on in here yet. Took some great pictures, one of which is my favorite I have taken yet (which I also included for you). Studied bio. Suffered from heat exhaustion. Sox lost. Not that great of a day.

But it could have been worse, right? It always could be worse. I did learn how to play tennis! I really loved it, it just didn't mix well with 90 degree heat and a partially torn (never repaired) meniscus. The cutting and stopping short from chasing after the ball kills me. I told my roommate, who is testing her patience and putting up with me almost every single day to teach me, that she may have to make a trip to the hospital soon. And I'm not joking. But, without pain, you're not doing something wrong. And without doing something wrong, you're not living. So, I say give it all you've got until you can feel something. Until your body tells you to stop. Go a little further than that and then pop a tylenol. Everything will be ok after that. It just makes sense to me. If you go through a day where you don't feel anything that hurts you, physically or mentally, you're bound to face disaster. For me, when things are going wrong, which they are right now, I know they can get better. And, in that bad karma, horrible luck, and just plain shit that is close to everything in your life at that moment, you can find a little hope and cling onto it like hell until you float back to the surface. Because that's really what we're all just trying to do, right? Get our head out of the water just enough to find a little clean air to breathe?

I Wanna Go To College For The Rest Of My Life, Sip Banker's Club And Drink Miller Lite

Today marks a day in the history of my career in the medical field. I got my first chemical burn. On my index finger of my right hand. At first, I didn't realize I had hurt myself. It burned a little but I wrote it off like it was nothing. Needless to say, it's taking me a little while to type now. I didn't think it was a big deal though. It comes with the work, right? Nah... probably not.

I can't say I've always wanted to be a doctor. I actually wanted to be a lawyer until I was 10. Then, a year long period where I wanted to be a writer. Another year after where I wanted to be a housewife. Two more years of not giving a damn. Then, around 14 years old I decided I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to save lives. And, that's what I'm in the process of doing. Trying gain all the knowledge and the skill to keep people living. But, to be honest with you, it might kill me in the process.

I enjoy science and math. I love that no matter how many ways you do the problem, 2+2 will always equal 4. That even though it goes against basic logic, when an agent is reduced, it gains electrons. You're either right or you're wrong. Sometimes I wish the world could be that black and white. But that's just the control freak in me.

The only thing that gets me about this profession is the stress. I hardly have my feet in the water and the tide is already close to pulling me under. You have to submerge yourself in it. There has to be a dedication there. And, I have already seen myself devote more time to learning. It's gotten to the point where effort is necessary. I have always been one of the smartest people around. It's obvious. I excell and this shit comes easily to me. Not anymore though. I have actually had to try and I realize it will only get more difficult. Boy, is that hard for me to wrap my head around. Maybe this summer will prepare me for it all. I'm taking an EMT/Paramedic course back at home so I can work in the city next year and next summer as an EMT. Actually dealing with real people. Putting those Bio and Anatomy chapters to actual use. What a frightening, but great feeling. And if I get migraines or my hair becomes even more thin than it has already this year due to the stress, I have to remind myself that it will all be worth it in the end.

You know, I would have been a great lawyer. I'm stubborn most of the time. And, even if I don't say it, I have a comment for everything that someone else says. I'm good at fighting. I'm good with conflict. I just have a little self control.

I could have been a good writer too. This may not reflect it, but I think it's something I can do naturally. I was published when I was younger in an Anthology of Poetry. I hope to be published again someday... even if it's a thesis on the cure to Cancer. That wouldn't be bad, right?

As a housewife, I would have been better after practice. I can't really cook, but I can clean, kids love me, I can take care of people well, and I've got an ass that won't quit.

And not giving a damn? God, I wish that could be a job.

But instead, I picked medicine. And, with that, I included a picture from finals week. Glass windows are great from long chemistry problems.

We Didn't Start The Fire

There was a huge fire today over at the Fens. Big deal. It's 0.25 miles away and the sirens sounded like they were in the hallway. Flames reached up to about 50 ft. I was stuck doing my term paper. Glad I have great friends with great cameras and skill to document it all for me. Photo credit goes to one of my favorite people in the world.

This Is Our Decision To Live Fast And Die Young. We've Got The Vision, Now Let's Have Some Fun...

So this morning I was thinking about what I could write about today. As I tuned out my professor, my mind wandered. Though I should have been focused on muscle contraction and neurotransmitters, I focused on another entirely different chemical process. Love. But, I have used that word too much and it hasn't even been a week yet. It's time for a new topic. So, I've decided to go for the complete opposite. Hatred.

It's easy to use the word "hate" when you don't really mean it. I hate traffic. I hate waking up in the morning. I hate forgetting to brush my teeth. But, in reality, traffic allows more time for thought and music. Waking up allows for the beginning of the new day. Maybe if I forget to brush my teeth enough, they'll rot out of my head and I'll fit right in on "the other side of the tracks" back home.

I have always tried to be positive. So much so that I actually won the "Most Positive Attitude" superlative. Lots of people would have never guessed that about me. I'm not necessarily negative, but I'm realistic. And I'm brutally honest. If I don't like something, I'm going to be the first to tell you. Which brings me to hatred.

I don't think such a thing actually exists in this world. I think ignorance exists. I think there's prejudice around every corner and some people can be unnecessarily rude, but I honestly don't believe in hatred. There are certainly people I can't stand to be around, sometimes even think about. But, it's not very useful to hate them. What good are you doing yourself? At least when you try to tolerate someone, you're bettering yourself in the process. Making yourself more patient, more kind. But what good are you doing if you're wasting time finding reasons not to like someone? If that person really means so little to you that you claim you hate them, then why in the world are you wasting time and energy and emotion on this individual? On these grounds alone, I think it's impossible for such an idea to exist. Call me crazy.

I can't say I'm innocent because, as I mentioned before, we've all tossed the word around. Anyone who says they have not done this is lying. I can promise you that. But, it's time for people to realize that absolutely no good can come from this so-called "hatred". I don't care how you argue it. I simply do not believe it is worth the smallest second of time. Hatred leads to problems, which leads to more hatred. The vicious cycle will continue. What's the use? Aren't we put on this earth to better ourselves and others? Do something with your time. Don't waste it trying to ruin other people. And, if you don't take my advice, you're selfish and an asshole. And I'm sorry about that.

As for the picture: A Love/"Hate" relationship I'm fond of. Interesting. And of course, the ridiculousness of my hair comes in handy for the whole anonymous bit. xo

Boston, You Are The Only, Only, Only

Happy Opening Day! Of course, this takes precedence over Easter because I'm in Boston. And it's the Sox and Yankees. Neil Diamond even came out for the occasion - something that has yet to occur at a Sox game. The Red Sox have been one of my true loves throughout my entire life. Sure, they've let me down a season or two, but every year, they're back. It's the stability I like.

Talking with a few close friends tonight, we brought up past Sox memories. Pedro being taped to the dugout post a few years back, the All Star ceremonies in '99, spring training trips, the time I literally ran into Mike Timlin, the streakers, hearing Dirty Water after a win. All that good stuff. And of course, with all these Sox memories, came the 2004 World Series.

I was younger when they won, but I was also in my "Sox Prime". My dad is an insane baseball fan, and this addiction was clearly passed along to my brother and I. It's probably safe to say I have a Fenway Park shaped gene on a chromosome or two. In addition to this, he had hit his midlife crisis early and spent a lot of time hanging out on the couch with a steak and a glass of vodka. Also note that my mom had filed for divorce not too soon before this timeframe. The Red Sox became something he could count on to fill the void of his family when we were across town with our mom on those hot, almost suffocating summer nights. Point is, I fell in love with the game at an early age.

On the night the Sox won the World Series, I was laying in bed with my tv on. I had watched the game from start to finish...like most games. As the final out was made, chills literally went up and down my spine. I'm not even exaggerating. To this day, when I see a replay of the last out, I can't help but get this overwhelming sense of... completion, I guess. I called my dad immediately, but got no answer. I couldn't sleep without hearing his reaction. After about five minutes, I picked up the phone and tried again. Answer. He had called my grandfather before. Who had called my great-grandfather. If Ry hadn't been sleeping, I'm sure he would have picked up the other phone in the house so he could talk to dad too. I will never forget his voice. He was in total shock. He later admitted to me that in the final moments of the game, he began to cry. There was something so big in that moment. And it was clear to Sox fans around the nation. It wasn't just a win. It wasn't just another ring. It was monumental. And that energy can still be found on Yawkey Way or Lansdowne Street today.

With that being said, we won tonight. I broke out my "Lustin' for Dustin" shirt. Hell, Steven Tyler even made his way to the city without hurting himself to sing "God Bless America". Pedro came back to throw out the first pitch. Oh, it's been a good day. And we have plenty of games ahead of us. How 9 bodies on a diamond-shaped field can be so important to someone is beyond me... but I do know that seeing this, especially in person, is one of the craziest natural highs. Love, like I said before.

For now, here's a snapshot from down at Fenway. Not the stereotypical Green Monsta picture, but captures the primary essence of the area, and arguably, the city in general. At least from April to November.

Nothing Lasts Forever, Babe

I'm writing from bed today. On the most gorgeous day so far this year. Twisted Tea. Never a-fucking-gain. But, above, I did leave you with a little gem from last night. Sums it all up.

Last night was necessary. I completely separated myself from reality and just had fun with my friends. A little too much fun, maybe. Which was made clear when I woke up in a bed that wasn't mine and had to trek across another campus in sweatpants and a cashmere sweater. Classy, right?

Before we went out last night, one of my roommates and I went to another friends house to hang out. And, as we all sat around her table, a usual topic of conversation came up. Men. Boys. Guys. We all took our turns venting. Describing the relationships we're working towards getting over, the relationships we're working towards building up. Now, I'm no Carrie Bradshaw, but I'd like to think that I have dated a wide enough range of guys that I can offer a little bit of my "wisdom". Then, the million dollar question -"Well, what's your type?"

How do you define that? How do you categorize all these different people you have been with? Make this "type" that you go after? I don't believe it. Maybe it's because I've dated guys from one extreme to the next. A pastor's son. A genius. A hell raiser. A funny one. Awkward, smooth, short, tall, dressed down, dressed up. Seen it all. Going after the same type of person time after time would get boring, don't you think? Always going for the tall, dark, and handsome one. Always finding a guy that meets certain standards. I think the fun is in the uniqueness. All the fun is in getting to know that person. Finding out that they may be 5'7", goofy as all can be, and make funny faces in bed, but they have the best personality you have ever come across. They're addictive. But I'm not going to sit here and say that I go out looking for these short dorks, you know?

So, with that, I proposed an idea to the girls. Don't go out looking for someone that meets this image you have strategically put together in your mind. Find someone that goes against the grain and have fun with it. Know that you can't change people, no matter how hard you try, but you can learn to love and accept things that you normally wouldn't give a passing glance to. It makes life so much more exciting. And dating a lot less exhausting.

Time to wash these sweatpants and return them to their owner. Time for something new.

Sunshine, Sunshine, Feel It On My Skin, Warmin' Up My Mind...

I can't even begin to express how gorgeous it is outside today. It's the first time I have actually been able to wear a sundress. It's great. Although, the legs are looking a little pale and out of shape, summer is right around the corner and I have so much to look forward to. Kayaking on the lake, hiking, driving with the windows down, seeing old friends, watching the sun set on the water.

Oddly enough, the one thing I'm looking forward to the most is actually spending time with my parents. My two favorite people in the entire world. I don't know if I can truthfully say that I've always looked up to my parents, but I can tell you that I have never loved two people more than I have loved them. As I have grown up, this point has become more clear to me. And, they have become closer to me.

As a parent, you try to protect your children from things that will harm them - violence on tv, the creepy older man down the street, bullies. But, as those children grow up, it's inevitable that they will be exposed to all these things, sometimes without mom or dad to run behind when the going gets tough. Because mom and dad will always be strong, mom and dad will always know what to do, mom and dad don't get hurt. Or do they?

Recently, I have seen both of my parents fall. And it has been the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. Especially being a state away from them. My mom called me two nights ago to see how I was. I talked about myself for a minute or two, complaining about lack of sleep and a paper I had to write. Then, the question back, "what's new, ma?"

Her voice cracked and my mind completely left my body. With a sick dad and brother, crying is never good. It was her friend. Has been suicidal for years... Missing. My mom has always tried her best to be there for others, and I can't help but think that I try to mimic that. She hardly ever breaks down. Strength is contagious. I held it together long enough to point out the positive possibilities. When the conversation ended, I broke down. Finally seeing the person you have built up in your head throughout your entire life fall and break down... well, it's upsetting. This woman is actually human? She actually breaks down? She doesn't have it together all the time?

And my dad. The man who has provided for me my entire life. And now he has to be taken care of. The pills, the hospital trips, making sure he's eating right. It's on me now. In two weeks, his fate will be determined. Transplant? Or suffer? Either way, the road in front of him is bumpy. I tear up writing this. I have come to terms with the fact that unless he gets this transplant, he won't be here in 5 years. He won't see me fall in love, walk me down the isle, meet his grandkids. I'm not being pessimistic. I'm being realistic.

So, here I am. Years later. With two very real people as parents. Mortal. Fragile. But absolutely irreplaceable.

The City Looks So Nice From Here...

I was on my way to work today, just like everything other Thursday afternoon, with my headphones in, again, just like every other time I walk to work. Usually, the weather determines the playlist. On rainy days, I gravitate towards Mat Kearney. Other days, I usually go for Jay Z or Kanye... you know, to stick to the "street life of Boston" feel that the streets of Mission Hill bombard you with. So, as I was turning onto the side street today that I know way too well, I did something that I have never done before... I scrolled down to my country playlist and started for Tremont.

This place has become so familiar to me over the past few months. I walk the same route four times a week. And everything has a place. The paper on the stoop at 27 Worthington. I swear the people that live there only come out at night. The sidewalk that ruined the toes of my boots. The Irish flag hanging outside of the clearly Japanese-owned nail salon on the corner of Tremont. The most beautiful church I have ever laid eyes on. The occasional black jacketed "street worker" with stack of orange tickets and a trail of pissed off drivers. The same crossing guard at the St. Alphonsus intersection. A familiar face, but no name. The trash blown against the fence lining the public library. The Mission Hill mural on the corner of Parker Hill. That god damn door outside of work that often decides it doesn't want to open, despite the fact that it's buzzed you in four times.

My 0.97 mile walk has proved to be a mini vacation for me, day after day. It's where I clear my mind. It's that little window of alone time that I need to keep me sane. The noise drowns out my thoughts...and it's amazing how helpful that can be.

I'll always be the naive country girl that trusts too easily, doesn't look both ways before crossing the street, and forgets about sales tax...but I can't help but see that I'm converting. This place has a hold on me. It might be because it's a perfect spring day. It may be because the sky is blue for the first time in days. It might be because I got offered an incredible job this morning. And accepted. It may even because tomorrow is Friday. But today has been a good day.

I love this city.