I'm slacking. It's been a hell of a weird weekend. I went out Friday night and had a good time with my friends. Saturday consisted of me sleeping, walking around, and doing a whole lot of pointless stuff. Today, just about the same. I wish I could be more inspired, but my "muse" is sort of MIA. I know you're going to read this, so I'm directing this towards you.
You got me thinking a lot this weekend after the phone call on Saturday morning. About relationships. About loving yourself. About priorities. It's important to put yourself first and not that many people realize it. You can go your entire life making other people happy and you can claim you feel fulfilled. But what if making other people happy doesn't mean you're putting your needs, wants, and desires first? What if you spend your best years trying to focus on someone else other than yourself? I'm not saying be selfish and forget about others. I'm saying that in the end, the only guarantee you have is yourself. Everyone else is a maybe. Promises don't mean anything. No matter how much you are certain, there will always be the smallest sliver of doubt there. So, why not spend some time on someone you know will always be there for you? Someone that you have control over. Someone that won't waste your time in the end. Yourself. Because isn't that who we really have to live for?
I'm not going to sit here and tell you over and over again that you deserve more. I'm not going to sit here and tell you what I think you should do. Or that I think you're putting yourself in the same position over and over again. I have told you this too many times before already. You know I think you're one of the best things that has ever come into my life. As a friend, as someone I care about. But every time you think you move forward, past something, you honestly jump two steps back the next time something goes wrong with her. Which, to me, seems like it's becoming a trend. Sure, things may be great. Sure, she may be "the most beautiful girl in the world". Sure, you may want to be with her. But how often is it bad? How often do you sit there and realize you should be somewhere else? If your answer is "more than once", take a step back and think about what you're getting yourself into.
It's difficult to watch a close friend get hurt. To know that he is not happy. It's hard not to try to change everything. I want to save you. I have since day 1. But how can I catch someone that isn't willing to jump off the damn ledge? When it comes down to it, it's your decision. I will always be here for you. I've told you this before - if you're happy, then I guess I'm happy too. Because that's what a friend does. There is this concept of sacrifice that gets involved. Now, it would be pretty hypocritical to say that I'm always going to put you first. Because, like I said before, make sure you're happy before you try to help out everyone else. I'm going to watch out for myself, too. I can't let myself love too deeply. I can't let hope build up too quickly. But, I can say that I will always be there to help you weather whatever is coming your way. I will always be willing to take a little bit of that burden off your shoulders when you feel like you can't manage it by yourself. I will always be there to listen to your embarrassing high school football stories, or to read through your most recent chapter in your book. I will always be there for stability. Because as messed up as our relationship/friendship/whatever-you-want-to-call-it has been, you have been that solid rock and support system for me in my crazy, fast-paced, fucked up life. A strange, but concrete example of a real friend. You care, you show concern, you're constant. You don't understand how much I rely on having you in my life. I'm lonely without you...which is ironic since the last time I truly saw you was in August.
I just want what's best for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to find what you deserve and know that I will be there no matter your decision. I don't thank you enough for being there for me. So... thank you. For everything you have done. For being the reason for this blog.
You got me thinking a lot this weekend after the phone call on Saturday morning. About relationships. About loving yourself. About priorities. It's important to put yourself first and not that many people realize it. You can go your entire life making other people happy and you can claim you feel fulfilled. But what if making other people happy doesn't mean you're putting your needs, wants, and desires first? What if you spend your best years trying to focus on someone else other than yourself? I'm not saying be selfish and forget about others. I'm saying that in the end, the only guarantee you have is yourself. Everyone else is a maybe. Promises don't mean anything. No matter how much you are certain, there will always be the smallest sliver of doubt there. So, why not spend some time on someone you know will always be there for you? Someone that you have control over. Someone that won't waste your time in the end. Yourself. Because isn't that who we really have to live for?
I'm not going to sit here and tell you over and over again that you deserve more. I'm not going to sit here and tell you what I think you should do. Or that I think you're putting yourself in the same position over and over again. I have told you this too many times before already. You know I think you're one of the best things that has ever come into my life. As a friend, as someone I care about. But every time you think you move forward, past something, you honestly jump two steps back the next time something goes wrong with her. Which, to me, seems like it's becoming a trend. Sure, things may be great. Sure, she may be "the most beautiful girl in the world". Sure, you may want to be with her. But how often is it bad? How often do you sit there and realize you should be somewhere else? If your answer is "more than once", take a step back and think about what you're getting yourself into.
It's difficult to watch a close friend get hurt. To know that he is not happy. It's hard not to try to change everything. I want to save you. I have since day 1. But how can I catch someone that isn't willing to jump off the damn ledge? When it comes down to it, it's your decision. I will always be here for you. I've told you this before - if you're happy, then I guess I'm happy too. Because that's what a friend does. There is this concept of sacrifice that gets involved. Now, it would be pretty hypocritical to say that I'm always going to put you first. Because, like I said before, make sure you're happy before you try to help out everyone else. I'm going to watch out for myself, too. I can't let myself love too deeply. I can't let hope build up too quickly. But, I can say that I will always be there to help you weather whatever is coming your way. I will always be willing to take a little bit of that burden off your shoulders when you feel like you can't manage it by yourself. I will always be there to listen to your embarrassing high school football stories, or to read through your most recent chapter in your book. I will always be there for stability. Because as messed up as our relationship/friendship/whatever-you-want-to-call-it has been, you have been that solid rock and support system for me in my crazy, fast-paced, fucked up life. A strange, but concrete example of a real friend. You care, you show concern, you're constant. You don't understand how much I rely on having you in my life. I'm lonely without you...which is ironic since the last time I truly saw you was in August.
I just want what's best for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to find what you deserve and know that I will be there no matter your decision. I don't thank you enough for being there for me. So... thank you. For everything you have done. For being the reason for this blog.
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